Today marks a very sad day for us, well really the 5th and the 6th of #October as we went to the hospital on October 5th 2005 to find out our baby boy was dead. He was born #stillborn on the 6th. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been through and still affects me deeply even 5 years later. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while others it feels like it has been so long since I got to see him and hold his breathless body, wondering what I did to deserve him being gone. I have learned so many things good and bad from that event and am still learning from him and that point in time.
I almost lost my mind literally 2 times that night, knowing if I let my self slip into the darkness that was trying to swallow me whole, that I would never return. IF I let this darkness consume, I knew I would be locked in a cell rocking myself in a catatonic state for the rest of my life. I also heard a voice the 2nd time which was the strongest one, a voice telling me, “This was not meant to break you.” That voice, which I now attribute to YaHuWaH is what kept me strong enough not to slip into the abyss.
To My #AngelBornAsleep My Dear #Ayden,
My arms and heart still ache to hold you, but this year I can finally have some bit of peace knowing you are with our Heavenly Father. You are in the only perfect hands that exist. No one, including me could take care of you better. That of course does not make me wish I was the one taking care of you any less, but gives me some peace knowing you are with the best.
I still wonder when I talk to you, if you can hear me and sometimes I swear you do because it’s as if I can feel your presence near me.
I pray often that YaHuWaH will make sure you know how much you are loved by me, because sometimes I am not sure you know just how much I truly do.
I also ask for him to let me see you before I meet you for eternity, because I want to tell you myself that I love you, I want to see you alive, I want to kiss your head, count your toes and see your belly button. This I did not do when I had the chance, because I was out of it and apparently even the doctors, nurses and everyone else was too. The person who thinks of everything above and beyond, totally failed when it mattered most. Something I am still working on forgiving myself for amongst not heeding the obscure warning sign the night before that would have saved your life.
I was sad, angry and hurt that your father was treating me the way he did and instead of wondering why his family who had not talked to me, lied to him and told him I was going to the hospital… Normally I would have thought that was strange and took it as a sign to go, but when he accused me of lying to get him to stay with me that night and called me horrible names, though I swore I had not even talked to them, I just was upset he would not believe me and left wondering why they would tell such a lie.
So your father would not come and stay with me though I could go into labor at any moment, nor would he give me his extra cell phone even though mine was on the fritz and had to walk to the store just to call him. Your grandparents came all the way from Spring Hill, to South Tampa to give me theirs. They even asked me if I felt okay and if you were okay and if I wanted to go to the hospital just in case. That was the second sign. I felt fine despite being upset, so I did not see the point and declined.
Those signs I would have normally taken as such I was blind to from all the negative emotions I was feeling. I have learned my lesson, the hardest one I have ever dealt with. I know that was the Ruach HaKodesh working through others, trying to help me save you from a fate I could not have known.
I wish I would have had my mindset stronger back then, that I would not have let your father and the bad things he did back then effect me so strongly, that I would have started reading the scriptures back then or even shortly after, but alas it took me till #September 2008 to start, then Bob died and I stopped. I did not restart again until Sept. 2009 again when I got the same hunger I got the previous year, same time, but much stronger.
I realize how much less pain and torment I would have been in, if I would have surrendered years ago, how much better our lives would be.
Alas, I pray that you can forgive me for not seeing the signs and protecting you enough to save your life. I pray that YaHuWaH can help me forgive myself 100% because I have yet to be able to do so and I know until I do my success at life will be hindered.
As you probably already know or at least I hope you do, Jaya talks about you a lot, she loves her angel brother so much and she also cannot wait to see you face to face one day.
Your father has struggled more silently about his responsibility in what happened, he is finally starting to believe in YaHuWaH and I know if he allows himself to be healed of his #Bipolar and #PTSD he will be the great person he was born to be. I pray he will allow himself to be healed.
I love you and miss you and will do everything I can to make sure we meet again when YaHuWaH decides it is my time to do so. I will also do what I can to share what I learn along the way with our loved ones, so they too can meet you one day.
Looking forward to the day I can hug and hold you, give you a kiss, tell you how much I love you and ask you for forgiveness face to face.
May Yahuwah bless you and keep you & yours!
‘I will bless the YaHuWaH at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.’ ~TehaleYAim (Psalms) 34:1
‘Test all things and hold firmly that which is good.’ ~1 ThessalonikiAH (Thessalonians) 5:21
Latest posts by Jamie Pelaez (see all)
- Refuse To Allow The Signs of The Times To Get You Down - November 17, 2015
- The Love Of Money Misconception - September 23, 2013
- Why I Am Choosing To Not Write About The Memorial of 9/11 - September 11, 2013