Trust me when I say I have had plenty to write on plenty of occasions.
Heck, I have even thought about blogging several events and then some and yet did not do it…
Why is that?
I write for others, I market for others, I get them results and yet I do not do it for myself.
Sometimes it really is a matter of lack of time and others it’s like I am avoiding it like the plague or brushing it off.
I’ve even thought about writing this very same post several times and finally today I said enough is enough just write it!
So here I am… Literally writing this post as the thoughts flow out of my head.
Is there some magic potion for self-sabotage? I am pretty sure that is what I have been doing.
I overwhelm myself…
Maybe I am attempting to reclaim my “Super Girl/Super Woman” status that I was deemed in corporate America?
Let me explain…
I was working full-time, many times 50 hours a week, going to college full time 4 classes each semester, didn’t even take the summer off and some how had a social life on the weekend and even managed to sleep pretty well and of course eat. I always had insane energy and zipped around everyone like they were the walking dead. Hence how the nicknames Super Woman and Super Girl came about.
That all went poof into the night or day rather, when I lost my job of almost 4 years.
I went into a state of depression and then some, I literally had a phobia of corporate America and really any type of job.
Somehow I did not find this industry back in 2004, I wish I would have as it may have saved my life from a lot of pain. No joke!
A little over a year later after a lot of heartaches and crazy events the craziest one of all happened, I lost my son, Ayden. He was born full-term still born. What I like to call an angel born sleeping.
What little was left of my super woman type qualities were ripped right from me. I literally almost lost my mind twice during those 6 hours of labor knowing he was not going to be crying. Only those who have felt their mind slipping into an abyss of no return can even fathom what that might feel like.
This October will be 4 years since that happened and while I have come a long way in regaining my “Super Woman” qualities, simple things like being consistent in writing my blog posts, my marketing and holding myself back prove that my journey in this life lesson of healing is far from over and while the severity of it will lessen as the years pass, the life lessons and healing will be ongoing in this instance.
Only those that have lost a child can truly understand what it feels like to have to work diligently to regain your purpose, confidence, functionality, zest for life and have to rebuild every aspect of you back piece by piece.
So that being said… I have to wonder, am I pushing myself too fast into reclaiming my Super Woman status?
Or… Am I just going about it all wrong?
Is it that the true me deep down inside has been covered in sorrow and pain so long it is afraid to come out and see the light? That I have truly never allowed all of me to ever truly be out in the lime light?
After much thought, I feel that is SERIOUSLY a big fat YES!
I am hiding from me, hiding from allowing my true glory to shine and in the end I sure have been self-sabotaging myself and progress.
Halting my own prosperity and true happiness and with no good reason in sight! After all there could be no truly good reason of doing so!
I am going to spend the next week working on projects that I must complete for many reasons, seriously evaluating my life and where I am now, why I am here and what direction I want to start heading to…
One thing is for certain… Instead of wanting to write about something and stalling (how I felt on Mother’s Day, how my trip to the mountains were, etc.) I am just going to do it, excuses and trepidation have been halting me from my progress and it’s just inexcusable.
After all is said and done, I know my son would not want me to have lived my life in such sadness and torment and I know that I was meant for way more than I have been to date.
So if you haven’t heard from me in a week… Do me a favor and proverbially bitch slap me back into reality and tell me to get over myself! Please?
Thank you in advance!
~Have GRATITUDE for all & choose to have a GREAT day~
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